


Between the shadow and the soul

by Dopt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I Don't Even Know, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 08:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11665767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dopt/pseuds/Dopt
Summary: “You can’t put this on me, Cassian. Because either you really think I’m stupid and can’t see when I’m going to be in danger then I’ll have to ask you why you bother taking me on mission with you, or you just don’t have any faith in my combat ability. Either way, you have to admit that it’s pretty absurd of you to keep me in your team.”She tilted her head with a slight smirk and Cassian had to bit the inside of his cheek to not do something stupid.“Or there is some other reason that has nothing to do with it and I think it’s time you face it.”Cassian took a shaky breath and asked in a pitiful attempt to avoid the problem, “So that’s why you feel the need to undress me too?”





	Between the shadow and the soul

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a poem by Pablo Neruda, because it seems fitting. And I don't know what this is about. Just a way to put them in bed together I guess.

It all began as any other argument between them. They didn't agree, mostly for the sake of not agreeing but they'd refuse to admit it because what lay underneath was far more dangerous.

Just out of the Center of command, right after their debrief they began to antagonize each other. Cassian was too directive, Jyn was too reckless and as always, the discussion escalated from a single remark about safety and efficiency to something meaner and a lot more aggressive.

It's been like that for three months now. Since they were released from the medical center after Scarif, they had numerous missions together. Some easy reconnaissance trips, some deep investigations in the Core Worlds with strong undercover settings.

And each and every time, they ended up arguing about it. Before, during and after. It was ridiculous, even for them. So maybe that was why Jyn stopped. Or maybe she just tired of it all.

In a way, she understood Cassian’s fear, that tortuous way of his to show he cared, his want to protect her but she was no damsel and by now, he should have got over it. Jyn may be mortal but no more than he was and she wouldn’t agree to stay put while he’d faced danger.

If he couldn’t understand that simple fact by himself, she had to make him.

So when they reached the end of the corridor and Cassian continued to berate her about her lack of cautious, instead of drawing head first in another fruitless quarrel, she just rose her hands in mock surrender.

“Okay, no, not here. Not again.”

Cassian frowned but managed to silence his concerns and looked at her expectantly. For a very short time, she thought about leaving him, fleeing everyone and everything but she fought the instinct. She was way past that point with him.

“You have a room?” she asked suddenly and Cassian frowned harder. In the three months she spent with the Alliance, Jyn never asked to have quarters, shared or not, and she never seemed to care where Cassian slept. She stayed in whatever ship they came from with only a rucksack full of her meager possessions and refused to move unless she had to. And she made a nest in the next ship like it was the most normal thing to do and since they mostly always used the same U-wing for their mission, it more or less became her place. But right now, going to their ship wouldn’t be very useful so even if Cassian didn’t understand what she had in mind, he led her to his quarters with a huff and stayed silence until they were behind his door.

“So?”

Jyn barely looked at him and reached for her belt.

“And just what are you doing?” he asked with a carefully slow voice, as if he wasn’t upset at all.

Jyn swiftly drop her pants and without missing a bit, said in a bored tone “I asked you to show me your quarters and I’m getting naked, so what do you think?”

He didn’t think. He refused to think. He just watched her, his face devoid of emotion, trying to understand how their argument escalate to get here.

She didn’t show any sign of malice and when she sit on his bed to remove her boots, Cassian took a tentative step near his cot.

“Jyn, seriously.”

His heart was beating furiously and he could feel his pulse down to the tip of his fingers but he refused to acknowledge the growing apprehension in his belly.

“Come here”, she said when she was finished. She kept on her undershirt and panties but she still showed a lot of skin and with her hair in disarray, it was difficult for Cassian to pretend everything was normal. She grabbed his hand and put it lightly just over her hip, where the curve of waist began. She pressed his fingers on her skin and lift slowly the flimsy material of her undershirt with his hand.

“See? I was stabbed here when I was ten. One of my first time on the wrong end of a knife.”

The scar was fainted but it run from the dip of her hipbone to the edge of her ribcage.

“It wasn’t a deep wound but it taught me to keep my distance.”

Grabbing his other hand, she put it on the small of her back. The skin there was rough, it pebbled under his fingers where the scar tissue was  more notable. Burn. Blaster wound, he supposed but Jyn corrected him.

“Explosion. I was slow and didn’t get to cover in time. I was fourteen and nearly all my back was scald because, of course, I was also stupid enough to be cover in grease… Anyway, it hurt like hell, especially when they had to tear off my shirt from my back because is melt together with my skin but I’m still here. And I learned basic chemistry and don’t mess with any explosive stuff without cleaning first.”

She gave him a small smile but Cassian didn’t seem convinced by any of her arguments.

“What are you trying to say, exactly? And why did you have to strip?”

Jyn smiled again and shook her head like he was being ridiculous. And he was, he realized. He hadn’t remove his hands from where she’d put them so he held her in his arms like an idiot.

“I just wanted to show you some proofs I have of my own vulnerability. I know I’m not invincible, I know I can be hurt but I also know what I can endure so you can stop worrying so much about my so-called recklessness. I know very well how to handle myself by now.”

She was looking at him in the eye with that intense gaze of her and Cassian felt trapped.

“And I need you to understand that between the two of us, I’m not so much the reckless one.”

He realized a bit too late she’d reached for his shirt’s fasteners and was currently working her way around the first one with only two fingers. She was good at that. A pickpocket, a thief and a con, so of course, she was good with her hands. Before he could do anything to stop her, she opened his shirt fully, untucking it from his pants and grazed her fingers on the faint scar he had on the side of his stomach.

“There, if I remember correctly, you were stabbed in Jalath…”

“Yeah, well, you should also remember that I didn’t really ask for it, contrary to someone who was trying her damn best to piss off our mark.”

“And maybe I would have been stabbed if you hadn’t need to play hero or maybe, I would have just break his wrist like I wanted to when he tried to make a pass at me, but we’ll never know now,” she snapped at him.

Cassian straightened and frowned.

“You never said he…”

“Because it was irrelevant”, she cut in. Then more gently she added, “What I mean is your need to protect me got you stabbed and shot and numerous other unpleasant things.”

Jyn draw her hand on his shoulder and pushed his shirt out of the way.

“There,” she traced the skin under the end of his collarbone where he used to have a blaster wound before a bacta treatment remove all trace of it. “And here, here and there.”

Cassian didn’t have scar anymore where she put her fingers but every time, she was right. He was shot on the shoulder when they escaped a facility on Garel and if he hadn’t been covering for Jyn, he would have escaped the shot. Same with the ones on his ribs and his arm. But he wasn’t ready to admit it so easily.

“If you were following orders, Jyn, I wouldn’t have to…”

With two fingers on his lips, Jyn hushed him.

“You can’t put this on me, Cassian. Because either you really think I’m stupid and can’t see when I’m going to be in danger then I’ll have to ask you why you bother taking me on mission with you, or you just don’t have any faith in my combat ability. Either way, you have to admit that it’s pretty absurd of you to keep me in your team.”

She tilted her head with a slight smirk and Cassian had to bit the inside of his cheek to not do something stupid.

“Or there is some other reason that has nothing to do with it and I think it’s time you face it.”

Cassian took a shaky breath and asked in a pitiful attempt to avoid the problem, “So that’s why you feel the need to undress me too?”

Her smirk blossomed and her eyes twinkled.

“I also wanted to address that monstrous thing between us before it suffocates us both.”

Jyn put her fingers on the nape of his neck and rounded around his throat just when he tried to gulp down his refusal to face her truth. She kept on touching him and it was confusing.

“What... I don't…” Cassian tried to deny, wanted to deny it but since his treacherous hands were back on her skin, he just sighed.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked, defeat. Finally, he dropped his hands and his arms fell cold at his side. Jyn merely blinked as her fingers slid down his torso.

“I don’t know. An admission of your own responsibility and a real explanation as to why you always feel the need to put yourself in harm's way for me would be nice but you’re not the kind of person who opens up easily, so I won’t bother to ask you why you think I wouldn’t notice and only focus on why you’re still making me wait.”

Cassian swallowed but didn’t know what to say.

“You want me.”

An affirmation, not a question so he couldn’t even try to escape. And he was in his own quarters so it was difficult to leave.

“And I think you like me too. Very much so.”

He didn’t move and barely dared to breath when she removed completely his shirt from his shoulders.

“I like you too,” she said like it was the most natural thing to say and he was pretty sure she was blushing but she stayed in front of him and didn’t avert her eyes when she added, “and I want you. Very much so.”

Close as she was, she had to crane her neck to look at his face but she didn’t back off. She breathed right out of him and she waited. Maybe she was wrong to be so blunt about it, maybe she should have been more subtle and gone easier on him but she refused to feel ashamed of her feelings.

“So if you don’t stop me, I’m going to kiss you.”

Cassian gripped her hips, her undershirt crumpled between his fingers but he didn’t try to stop her. He merely hold her as if to anchor himself because without her support he would fall. Jyn wanted a real kiss but since she’d been waiting for it for months, she could be patient a little more longer and only put her lips on his jaw. A light brush of lips, really, but with her whole body flush against him, it felt far from innocent. She stayed there, on her tiptoes and put an arm around his shoulders and spred her hand on his back. She could felt every breath Cassian took and she asked slowly, “Do you want me to stop?”

His grip tightened on her undershirt and by doing so, he pushed it up and their skin met just over his belt. Hips on hips. It was like being shot, burn and stabbed all at once.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Jyn,” Cassian whispered in a defeated tone. He closed his eyes to avoid seeing her fallen face and drop his head on her shoulder. He didn’t let her go, didn’t push her away but didn’t let her continue.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he added slowly, “it’s I don’t know how.”

She took a risk in being so honest with him so he felt like he had to be honest too. But it was crippling to admit so much. For a heartbeat, she didn’t move and he feared for the worst then she threaded her fingers through his hair, raked slowly her nails on his scalp and Cassian sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

He tried to straighten but Jyn hold his head against her neck and asked in a breath, “And you really think I know more?” She laughed lightly, he felt it more than heard it. “I don’t know what kind of life you still think I had before, Cassian, but relationship and any kind of feelings weren’t my priority.”

This time, when he tried to get his head up, she let him.

“I gather as much.”

He smiled, a bit shy, and forced his eyes to stay on hers when he said, “But still, I think you have more experience than I have.”

Jyn wanted to retort but then realization drew on her and she closed her mouth.

“I don’t want to disappoint you.”

Jyn snorted without meaning to and smiled. Taking his hand, she sit down on his cot et forced him to sit at her side.

“I don’t really have expectations, you know. I just don’t want to continue to pretend we’re just teammates or comrades or whatever.” Her fingers squeezed his and despite himself, Cassian squeezed back. “I don’t feel for you like I do for Bodhi or Tonc and since you never go out your way and take a vibroblade in the side for them,” her smile turned mischievous, “I’d rather you admit once and for all that I have some value for you that has nothing to do with the Rebellion.”

She looked at him with that kind of defiance in her eyes like she dared him to refuse her and Cassian couldn’t hide his smile. How was he supposed to resist her?

“So what? I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t see a problem with that.”

He smiled and tried to appear detached and perfectly professional. By the look on her face, he was failing brilliantly.

“There isn’t. But don’t blame me for being reckless when you’re being irrational for no other reason than you love me and don’t act on it.”

“I'm not sure I follow your logic, here,” Cassian noted to avoid a direct confrontation of his feeling.

“Please,” Jyn scoffed. “If you did, you wouldn't have to always protect me because you fear to lose me too soon. And by too soon, I mean before you get your act together and do what we both want you to do.”

And without letting him react, Jyn straddled his laps and pushed him backward. She never let go of his hand, gripping harder than necessary when she put it over his head on the mattress.

“So now I have a proposition for you, Captain.”

Cassian’s heart was beating too fast but he kept his face as neutral as possible and only rose his eyebrows.

“I’m listening.”

Jyn gave him a predatory smile that should have affray him more but given their position and their lack of clothing, his mind wasn’t really on his safety.

“You stop treating me like something fragile when we’re outside, you trust me and my ability to stay safe, or as safe as you and behind closed doors, I’m yours and you do whatever you like.”

He laughed and tried to sit but Jyn didn’t let him.

“Why do I feel like this isn’t a negotiation?”

“Because it’s not,” she said with a smile. Then, sobered, she sat on her heals and let his hand go. Cassian’s heart fell and dread run through his veins.

“We can’t continue that way. So if you want for us to work together, you have to meet me there. Or we stop being a team.”

Cassian swallowed and nodded.

“Okay, but I have a condition.”

“I thought we established it wasn't a negotiation.”

“Yeah, but still. I need you to promise me something.”

Cassian looked at her in earnest and cupped her face with one hand.

“You have to promise to always tell me the truth about your feelings for me. If you're not happy with me, tell me so.”

Jyn leaned on his palm and closed her eyes, looking more serene he ever saw her and Cassian took the opportunity to sit up.

“Do we have a deal?”

Jyn smiled that mischievous smile and looked at through her lashes.

“You have to seal it with a kiss, Cassian. I thought I was pretty clear on that part.”

For the first time since he brought her in his room, and probably for the first time in a long time, Cassian felt like smiling and he didn’t try to crush the urge. Instead he wrapped his arms around her waist and enjoyed the feeling of her so close. Then he brushed his lips on her throat and whispered, “I’ll follow your lead on this but be prepared, Jyn, I may be just as bad as you at keeping it with instructions.”

Jyn laughed out loud, throwing her head back and he began nipping at the skin of her neck and rolled up to have her on her side beside him.

“We’re just beginning and here you are, already doing as you please even if you said you’ll follow my lead.”

Cassian run a hand up her arm and shrugged.

“I told you I’ll be terrible at this.”

Jyn gave him a very unimpressed look and threaded her fingers through his hair to keep him close.

“Let me be the only judge of this, okay?”

And just to be sure she kept the last word, she kissed him. He didn’t try to stop her.

 


End file.
